Month 28

Well, it has been a very long time since I last updated anything on here. I think the biggest reason is because I don’t have much positives to say about it all. Over 2 years in this TSW journey and I am still suffering every day. You would think that after this long I would be used to it but I still struggle so much every day. I have made some improvements which is a good thing and a plus side but I still feel so drained by it all, even though I have less areas of my body affected I feel like I don’t have as much energy and tolerance to deal anymore.

My biggest struggles still are my scalp, face, neck, chest, arms, and hands. Basically the areas that still keep me limited in living my life. My calves are still itchy as well as my back but they don’t limit me other than taking up time while I scratch.

I currently live in England with my husband and I just find being sick still has drained everyone. Not just myself but the people closest to me and that’s really hard because now might be when I need encouragement and support the most. I feel like giving up everyday and I am constantly wondering if what I have done for the past 2 years was the right thing to do. I have lost everything that was important to me. All of who I thought I was and everything I loved and had passion for who made me myself have all been taken away because of TSW. It has been so long now that I don’t remember who I was.

I used to be confident, I loved hairdressing, I enjoyed working and supporting myself, I had pets, I had a life. I would dress up, I would do my hair and makeup and it was a fun pass time for me that I just loved! I now avoid my hair most days because its so hard not to cry when I see how thin it is and flat, it has no life and I am limited with how I can color my hair because of my skin being sensitive. My face is usually too much of a mess to be able to handle makeup, if it can handle it when i apply it, it usually ends up with my face feeling painful from it by the end of the day. Getting dressd is a whole other ball game. I am a mother now so with the changes that have happened to my body from that and from what TSW makes me look like, it is usually easiest to avoid mirrors. I don’t ever look at myself in the mirror and like what I see or think I look ok, I have to just cope with it and move on so that I don’t become a hermit and never leave my room.

I have a beautiful daughter that I wouldnt change for anything but I can’t be the mother I want to be for her. I struggle still to do simple things and now it has just become our way of life. the thought of her growing up and having me as a mom the way I am right now breaks my heart. I don’t feel like I am living at all, I am barely getting by and I feel so alone and like I have to get through this everyday by myself. I don’t feel like I can talk about it anymore because its such old news.

I find it hard to handle life. Even small things can take a huge toll on me and I am often exhausted. Having a baby doesn’t allow me to sleep or shower whenever I want to and I am still up a lot in the night scratching my skin off and wrapping.

Sadly this is my update, I wish it was a happier one but

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