Month #39

I know my updates these days are few and far between. To be honest most times I don’t even know what to say and this time is no different. I have put off writing this post for a very long time. I can’t even fully explain how much TSW has taken from me. The amount isn’t measurable at this point and for anyone reading this I am sure if you have experienced TSW in your life you know exactly what I am talking about. This journey has been the hardest thing I have ever been through and I honestly don’t know how we find the strength to go through what we do. The amount of physical pain is unfathomable. Even as I sit here I can’t really and truly remember the pain I went through, the agony I felt in those early months. I would sit up at night unable to sleep and I would just sob. As if TSW isn’t horrible enough it even robs you of your sleep, your one possible escape from the pain and you can’t even do that. What a prick.

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So, where am I now. Well, The man I wrote about through my entire blog. The one I praised time and time again for his sacrifice and his never failing love for me even through the worst time of my life. The man that I thought was an absolute hero because he proposed to me while I was in the thick of things. The man who was so often my rock and who made me believe in love and that I could do it and get through the hard parts of life with. My one true love who I adored from the moment I met. Someone I decided I could never ever live without and who would never ever hurt me. Well that same man had an affair 8 months into our marriage. That same man bashed me to his mistress and told her things about me that someone who only hates another would say. A betrayal in a betrayal. The same man told me I “railroaded him into marrying me.” The same man told me he was embarrassed of my wraps and the toilet paper bits that would get everywhere (thats what I used to cushion my skin before wrapping.) That same man told me that he was only with me because of our daughter and if it wasn’t for her he would be gone.

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So much happened in a matter of 3 months dec 2016 – feb 2017. In that time I went from feeling like the luckiest girl in the world (tsw aside of course)  who had this amazing strong man and a beautiful daughter. Despite tsw shit my life was being lived as best it could with the circumstances to being a single mother, getting a divorce and going to court for custody as well as having to start my life all over with nothing. I moved to canada with my daughter and had nothing but our suitcases. I am now living back in my hometown where I have family and support and amazing friends. I have a really nice place for my daughter and I and it has taken a year but I have set it up nicely to feel like our home. I am happy again and the amount of stress I deal with even by being a single mother is nothing compared to the stress I went through with my husband. I feel peace now and after my divorce is done in a few months I will feel even more that way.

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So thats my life but as for my TSW life goes when I arrived back in Canada with my daughter on march 6th 2017 my stress levels were through the roof. I can;t even describe it. My skin went through a massive flare starting on the plane from england to canada. I stayed with my dad for a few months until I decided what to do with myself and my daughter and i was in so much pain. My skin was back to falling off and in the shower when the water his my skin i would just scream in agony. I lived in wraps for a few weeks and after I finally ended things with my husband my skin took and amazing turn for the better. Fast forward a couple months after that and my skin was like I had never seen before.. actual skin. Like actual thick skin not that see through weird glass looking skin that falls off but actual skin. I didn’t want to make posts about my skin because as we all know with TSW it can be an asshole and return at the drop of a hat and I am not naive enough to think I am all full in the clear but what I can say is that my skin has been actual skin now for over 6 months now. I have problem areas still but I would live with them happily if I never have to deal with those horrendous TSW symptoms again. My life has literally and in ever way done a complete 180. Nothing in my life now is the same as when I started this journey. I was living in Australia with my boyfriend and soon to be husband. I got pregnant early in my tsw journey which did not help things and got married to now I am living back in my hometown in canada a single mother soley taking care of my daughter.

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My life now is normal. Nothing prevents me from regular life things, I jump in the shower and wash with soap… thats right I said SOAP! Never did I ever think I would ever be able to use soap on my skin! I wash as normal and get out wipe off with a towel and  throw clothes on without giving it a second though (other then the thought of how grateful I am to have my life again) I wear makeup with no issues, foundation eyeshadow fake lashes whatever I want for however long I want. I put lotion on my face and forearms after I get out of the shower and that is it which is how I was pre-tsw. I go out with friends on a last minute invite, I go on road trips at the drop of a hat, I stay out all night drinking (very rarely as I am a mother) but I can and with no skin consequences! I sleep at night, thats right AT NIGHT!

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Honestly I never ever ever thought I would heal. I had so many doubts and so many fears and really thought that TSW was just my new life and thats how things would be forever. Also looking back I can’t believe it took me 3 years to feel like I healed. I was the tswer that was basically always in a flare. and rarely did I ever have breaks in between it was either bad or worse. My life now is amazing and I have no complaints and I am so beyond grateful for every single day that I wake up feeling like my body has healed and moved on from TSW – for now anyways. I will wait to officially say I have healed.

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To anyone who is just starting or in early days or even to people who are plodding along feeling like you have been going through this forever I would say to you that I know the pain is unbearable and that you just want it to be over and you don’t know how to go on but I would say that there is hope.

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